As the ‘Simpsons Comic Book Guy’ would say: “Worst Kinect Games Ever!”

You may have received Kinect for as a Christmas present and you may be wandering what games to buy for your new and sexy Kinect. Right here, right now I will attempt to steer you away from the many Kinect shovel ware games that only exist to give grandparents something to buy their grandchildren. Kinect does have some great games out there but you need to do a lot of digging in the dirt.


This Guy Is Casually Playing This While In The Sex Clinic Waiting Room.

Fighters Uncaged

Fighters Uncaged recieved a 39 on Meatcritic but you have always wanted a fighting game where you can beat the living daylights out of another guy in a manner of brutal and awesome ways right? WRONG!

Fighters Uncaged is not only one of the most broken games I have ever played it is actually dull, boring and so generic that poking your own eyeballs with a blunt spoon. This game would not work if it was a non Kinect title so as a title with Kinect tacked on to it, it only makes it worse. This abomination of a game does not bode well in any way shape or form as an advert for Kinect because your movements and the games recognition of your movements are as different as Call Of Duty And My Horse And Me 2. Your swinging, kicking and punching everything while your character is standing their looking at you like a bewildered child. The worst thing about the game is the fact that to block or dodge you have to lean very far backwards, something as humans we rarely ever do. Leaning backwards all the time not only feels unnatural and makes you look even more stupid than usual, after a while it hurts.

The developers of this awful game should be made to play it constantly for the rest of their lives to remind people of this game that they unleashed upon the good willed and good natured Kinect adopting public. This was an early contender for a game to ensure Kinect had something for hardcore players but this game is not suitable for Harry Hardcore or for Casual Carl either because both would want to take this game outside and shoot it until it is in one thousand tiny little pieces… Then at least they would get some enjoyment out of the game. This game is the worst advert for what Kinect can do imaginable.

Blackwater

I Would Hide Behind The Couch If I Had To Play This Again Too!

33 on Metacritc and proof that a first person Kinect game may not work or come anywhere near close enough at the moment. The shooting is way off where you are actually aiming, the enemies are predictable as it is easy to be predictable when your a cardboard cutout with a gun. Terrible voice acting and a plot with more holes and stupid sections than a Call Of Duty singleplayer campaign. You will die even if you are behind cover and sometimes enemies will not even shoot at you at all!

The flaws outweigh any positives this game might have had and for a game that was showing promise for first person shooters with Kinect in the lead up to its launch, it is a shame then when launched it sneaks out quietly onto the shelf and hopes gamers will buy it simply out of curiosity. Curisoty killed the cat and I played this turd of a game I wanted to kill the developers cat because come on, this game is so awful it makes my favourite underrated game: Lost Planet 2 look like a Triple A title that is perfect in every way. I would like to put forward that for Blackwater 2 the name is changed to Turdwater, Shitwater or Murkywater because then the name would fit the game.

Deepak Chopras Leela


Would You Buy A Game Named After This Douchebag?

The tagline on the box for this game should read: “Stupid man with stupid name brings out stupid game, Buy It Now!”

The game is basically a lot of flashing lights that you float your array of cursors around in order to feel as though you are meditating, floating or as high as a kite. This is not even really a game because there is no goal, no actual point to it and it serves as a pretty screensaver. Mind, Body and Spirit is the actual tagline for this game because you wont mind about it, your body wont feel as though you have had any form of workout and your spirit will be crushed with the knowledge that you have paid for this game.

If we have games licensed after people can they not be licensed after people who are involved with games or are amazing storytellers such as earlier Tom Clancy games with his use of name. Clive Barker is another example and games that use the name to help sell the game is fine when they are actually important to the story or overall premise of the game. Deepak Chopra has clearly done nothing wiht this game other than talk about it in adverts and come out with more hippy mumbo jumbo that the silly, foolish and gullible will buy to become more ‘Enlightned’ and ‘relaxed’.

Child Of Eden

She Is As Beautiful As This Game

A game that many a game reviewer and gamer actually liked but other than a bunch of artsy old rubbish which was REZ but with Kinect integration it offered little to nothing. This game at least worked ona technical level unlike many of the aforementioned games but a game simply ‘working’ does not make for a good game. The levels were increasingly difficult but still simply a rinse of repeat of one long repetitive cycle of shooting anything on the screen that could be broken and listening to some awful techno/dance music. COH also had a storyline you would be hard pressed to find anyone that actually cared about it and the entire game just felt a little pointless.

Child Of Eden is different and unique but so is Deepak Chopras Leela and look how that turned out. Child Of Eden was a game that I was hoping would be a decent enough game to keep me entertained for a few hours but it turned out to just be another game where it was only a minor distraction of flashing lights, colours and some shooting. A game with a lot of promise, some decent hype and people actually looking forward to it ultimately fell flat on its face again with poor sales figures and this pattern seems to be repeated almost every time a new Kinect game comes out that promises so much but delivers so very little.